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Old 01-26-2010, 04:34 AM   #15
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There's a gorilla walking around a jungle. He meets a lion and says "excuse me, I'm a gorilla, and I'm a carpenter by trade, and I've lost one of my tools. It's about 8 inches long and has four points on the end of it, have you seen it?". "No", says the lion, "nothing like that around here".

Later the gorilla meets a tiger. He says to the tiger "excuse me, I'm a gorilla, and I'm a carpenter by trade, and I've lost one of my tools. It's about 8 inches long and has four points on the end of it, have you seen it?". "No", says the tiger, "haven't seen it, but if I see anything like that I'll let you know".

Eventually the gorilla meets a jaguar. He says to the jaguar "excuse me, I'm a gorilla, and I'm a carpenter by trade, and I've lost one of my tools. It's about 8 inches long and has four points on the end of it, have you seen it?". "Yes", says the jaguar, "I saw it. I ate it".

"You ate it? Why would you eat it?" asks the gorilla.

"Because" says the jaguar

"I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar".

(you have to read that last line out aloud)
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:46 AM   #16
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... which reminds me of another joke...

A guy goes to the marina one morning and notices a gorilla swinging from his mast!

So he gets the phone book and looks-up Gorilla Removers in the yellow pages and calls for estimates.

The gorilla remover arrives and meets the boat owner in the parking lot and removes a Shotgun, a Long Pole, a pair of Handcuffs and a Jack Russel Terrier from his van and turns to the guy and says "Sir, I was able to give you a better price than all the others because I'm a one man operation and I'll be needing your assistance to get that gorilla down from your mast... okay?" The captain agrees and asked what he has to do to help.

The removalist says "Okay - We have to work as a team. I'm going to climb the mast and start poking the gorilla with this stick. When the gorilla falls off the spreaders - this here dog is trained to jump-up and bite the gorilla on the crotch as soon as he hits the deck. And when the gorilla bends over and tries to get the dog off him... you slap the cuffs on him, got it? Any questions?"

The boat owner says he thinks he understands... "But - what's the shotgun for?" he asks.

And the gorilla remover says "well... should I fall off the mast first - shoot the dog!
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Old 01-28-2010, 01:25 AM   #17
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Ah ... mathematics ... my old topic.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were driving through the countryside. They drove past a field full of cows.

"Hmmm", says the engineer. "All cows are brown".

"No", says the physicist, "all of the cows in this paddock are brown".

"No", says the mathematician. "One side of all of the cows in this paddock are brown".
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:11 AM   #18
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks "what cocktails do you have?".

The barman replies "funny you should ask that, but we have a cocktail named after you!"

"What?" says the grasshopper, "Kevin?"
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:17 AM   #19
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One more long one from me for the day.

A bus driver gets himself a new route. It's a school bus, with sesame street characters painted on the side. Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Big Bird, they're all there.

At the first stop a very overweight young girl gets on. "Hi, I'm Patty" says the girl, and the bus lurches under her weight as she climbs aboard.

At the second stop another very overweight girl gets on. "Hi, I'm Patty" says the girl, and she sits opposite the first, balancing the weight a bit.

At the third stop a small young boy gets on and says "Hi, I'm Ross, and I'm special". He sits down the back of the bus and starts reading his schoolbooks.

At the fourth stop another young boy gets on and says "Hi, I'm Lester". He sits in one of the middle seats and looks out the window as the bus continues on its route.

At the fifth stop another young boy gets one. This one is filthy dirty, barefoot, covered in sores, and smells quite bad. "I'm Steve" says the dirty kid, and sits down near the driver, picking at his toes.

The bus arrives at the school, and out comes the school principal and asks "what's this you have here?"

The driver replies "Two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester, Steve picking his bunions on a sesame street bus!"
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:01 PM   #20
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Old 02-22-2010, 05:40 PM   #21
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A hooker walks up to an old sailor in a bar and says "hey sailor, I'll do whatever you want for $100 dollars." The old sailor reaches for his wallet and says "here, paint my boat!"
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Old 02-22-2010, 08:39 PM   #22
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Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.
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Old 03-06-2010, 01:20 PM   #23
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The man asks: God ?

God says: Yes.

The man: Could I ask you a question ?

God: Of course.

The man: What is one million years for you ?

God: One second.

The man: And one million dollars ?

God: One cent.

The man: Could tou give me one cent ?

God: Wait a second
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Old 03-07-2010, 12:32 AM   #24
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Bubba

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car

accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.


Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl."

"The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."


The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba!He's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about mybrother.

I really like the name 'Denise.' What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew".
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Old 03-25-2010, 09:04 AM   #25
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Hope this okay. Old sailor drunk pays for the services of a prostitue. While progressing thru the entertainment, He asks her how he is doing, For a reply she says "Your doing 3 Knots. Your not Hard, Your not in, and your not getting your money back
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:36 PM   #26
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Two elderly women went out for a drive..

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

As they did the lights went to amber but they just went on through.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light turned to red as they entered the intersection, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was getting a bit concerned and thought she might be seeing things..

At the next intersection the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh sh*t..! Am I driving..?"
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Old 03-25-2010, 02:17 PM   #27
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier."

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Old 03-27-2010, 10:40 AM   #28
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Only at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind

him,my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to

Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two 2 weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to

Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours

in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle

7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your w ife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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