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Old 01-18-2013, 07:24 AM   #57
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There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:54 PM   #58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auzzee View Post
A man and his wife, both retired, are talking about the future. The husband says, "If I die before you, I want you to either give away or sell all my stuff". "Why on earth should I do that"? Asks the wife.
Hubby replies, "Well if I die you will probably remarry and I don't want another wanker using all my stuff"!
To which the wife replies, "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker".
LOL. Marriage in a nutshell.
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Old 02-11-2013, 11:41 AM   #59
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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

This was the funniest of all the jokes..
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:59 AM   #60
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A Cuban, a Frenchman, an American, and an American lawyer are riding on a train. The Cuban begins praising one his nation's most famous products. "In Cuba", he says, "we make the world's finest cigars. Just smell this beautiful hand-rolled cigar. Furthermore, we make them in such abundance that we can waste them with impunity". Saying that, he tosses the cigar out the window of the speeding train.
The Frenchman responds, "Oui, that is quite true, and in my country we make the finest cheeses". He displays a hunk of fine cheese to the others and says, "France is famous for its fine cheeses, and we produce so much that we too can waste them without a thought." Saying that, he casts the cheese out the window of the train.
The American gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:29 AM
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Old 05-01-2014, 03:06 AM   #61
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Did you hear about the homosexual who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?

All his windows fell out.
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Old 05-01-2014, 07:28 AM   #62
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Auzzee: It was funnier the first time, in 2012 (look pack a couple of pages!)


Nevada state trooper pulls over a car for driving on the worng side of the road. The driver explains that he's an Australian and thought he was driving normally.

"Well, over here we drive on the right. Unless you came here to die."

"Naah," says the Aussie, "I arrived yesterday."
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Old 05-01-2014, 07:52 AM   #63
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Just wanted to bump the thread.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:42 PM   #64
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That's pretty good.... so I thought I'd add one I came across here recently...and if blonde jokes are apropos...if you think it not funny, don't shoot me! LOL....

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says the mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in here yes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

not funny at alllllll
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Old 12-21-2014, 08:29 AM   #65
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*smirk*
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Old 09-21-2015, 03:59 AM   #66
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Legless.
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Old 09-26-2015, 03:18 AM   #67
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Moar pirate joakes:
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:19 AM   #68
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Default What cruisers actually do

...
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:11 AM   #69
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Haahaaa !! Very hilarious.
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Old 08-26-2016, 08:03 AM   #70
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Hmmm ... too close to the truth.
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