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Old 07-17-2004, 08:14 PM   #1
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Default Z ( long)

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Z ( long)

« Thread started on: Jan 23rd, 2004, 07:00am »


With due apologies to "Tia" ( well she comes from South OZ ...

This weekend in OZ is a " Long Weekend" we are celebrating OZ Day.. . thought I had better tell you something about OZ..... more than you have learnt on other posts ,about spiders , crocs,wild pigs.. that stuff just makes us real men/ women... here is what you really want to know....


We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ****er. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. AND who hold the record for "back,sack and crack" shacks. ..... bechdunnowtthatis!!

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're hingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2004.

(Sorry Tia )

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Old 07-17-2004, 08:19 PM   #2
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« Reply #1 on: Jan 26th, 2004, 12:28pm »



In the spirit of journalistic integrity I feel compelled to correct a few points made by my learned aussie comrade.

1. The Grand Prix drivers LOVED driving the Adelaide circuit, Basically the Victorians thought they could do the event better, so far, from all accounts, they havent.

2. Our National Anthem is Advance Australia Fair, not Waltzing Matilda... I can't remember any singing about jumbucks at the olympic medal ceremonies and it was certainly not sung at the Australia Day Ceremony I attended, well, actually I was out readying my boat for a regatta that morning, but I could SEE one onshore and I lip read pretty well

3. We not only shoot our coat of arms, we eat it as well

and the best thing of all about australia is that we have some of the best beaches and most stunning coastline in the WORLD, as they say in the Northern Territory.. "you'll never never know if you never ever go"

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