Humour

[torutom]

A hooker walks up to an old sailor in a bar and says "hey sailor, I'll do whatever you want for $100 dollars." The old sailor reaches for his wallet and says "here, paint my boat!"

[flounder]

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.

[Nausikaa]

The man asks: God ?

God says: Yes.

The man: Could I ask you a question ?

God: Of course.

The man: What is one million years for you ?

God: One second.

The man: And one million dollars ?

God: One cent.

The man: Could tou give me one cent ?

God: Wait a second

[JeanneP]

Bubba

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car

accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl."

"The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba!He's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about mybrother.

I really like the name 'Denise.' What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew".

[Festina]

Hope this okay. Old sailor drunk pays for the services of a prostitue. While progressing thru the entertainment, He asks her how he is doing, For a reply she says "Your doing 3 Knots. Your not Hard, Your not in, and your not getting your money back

[Frank]

Two elderly women went out for a drive..

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

As they did the lights went to amber but they just went on through.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light turned to red as they entered the intersection, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was getting a bit concerned and thought she might be seeing things..

At the next intersection the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh sh*t..! Am I driving..?"

[JeanneP]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier."

[MMNETSEA]

Only at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind

him,my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to

Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two 2 weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to

Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours

in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle

7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your w ife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Reaper]

An elephant and an aardvark were drinking at the river one morning, when the elephant spotted a turtle sunning itself on a log. Without so much as an "excuse me", he stomped straight over to the unsuspecting turtle and with one almighty boot kicked it clear over the other side of the river.

"What on earth did you do that for?" asked the aardvark.

"Well that damn turtle took a nip out of my trunk" grumbled the elephant.

"When was that?" asked the aardvark.

"53 years ago, next Tuesday" replied the elephant.

"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.

"Yes," said the elephant.

"Turtle recall."

[MMNETSEA]

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

-------------------------------

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[JeanneP]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine

whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty

the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use

the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



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"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[YachtClub]

haha..i love jokes..especially blonde jokes..lolz

[MMNETSEA]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

"Cleanup on aisle 5: We have a husband down!

[zeitgeist]

Two Irish lads are the sole survivors of a ship that went down. Rummaging through the supplies in the lifeboat they come across a magic lamp, rub it and sure as shingles a genie pops out and offers one wish.

"I wish the whole ocean was made of beer!" says the first lad.

"Wish granted." says the genie, the ocean becomes a malty yellow and the genie vanishes along with his lamp.

"You igit!" says the second lad cuffing the first upside the head, "Now we have to pee in the boat!"

************************************************** *****************************************

Phone call between a woman and the Fire Department:

Woman: I was cooking and a fire started on my stove, I can't put it out, please come quickly!

FD: Okay, how do we get there?

Woman: Duh. Big red fire truck?

************************************************** *****************************************

Radio transmissions between two operators:

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE USS MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE BATTLESHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW OR WE WILL TAKE APPROPRIATE MEASURES TO ENSURE OUR SAFETY!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[JeanneP]

Aussie Bush Etiquette

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

IN GENERAL:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

EATING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING AT HOME:

1. A centre-piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Lighthouse]

This is so funny. Enjoy!

[media]

[popberger8]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[MMNETSEA]

By Appointment with Andy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing through my neighbours garden before stopping off briefly in Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE 'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 7,000 FEET UP YOUR @RSE!"

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of the Free World's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32

gallons..) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result." This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a laxative of nuclear proportions. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. My *bad word here* felt like the Japanese flag...

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?"

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house!

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 7,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ!

-------------------------------------------->

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald..

[Qldcruiser]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

To get married all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

But by the end you wish you had a club and a spade!

[MMNETSEA]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part

of Arizona when her car broke down....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered

her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the

Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it

echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service

station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the

service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around

his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.