Humour

[Auzzee]

Did you hear about the homosexual who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?

All his windows fell out.

[haiqu]

Auzzee: It was funnier the first time, in 2012 (look pack a couple of pages!)


Nevada state trooper pulls over a car for driving on the worng side of the road. The driver explains that he's an Australian and thought he was driving normally.

"Well, over here we drive on the right. Unless you came here to die."

"Naah," says the Aussie, "I arrived yesterday."

[Auzzee]

Just wanted to bump the thread.

[Dreamcatcher]

Originally Posted by Boomerang

That's pretty good.... so I thought I'd add one I came across here recently...and if blonde jokes are apropos...if you think it not funny, don't shoot me! LOL....

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says the mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in here yes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

not funny at alllllll

[haiqu]

*smirk*

[haiqu]

Legless.

[haiqu]

Moar pirate joakes:

[haiqu]

...

[SherylBae]

Haahaaa !! Very hilarious.

[haiqu]

Hmmm ... too close to the truth.

[Brent Swain]

A redneck was stopped by a cop for dangerous driving.
The cop asked
"Do you have any ID".
The redneck said
"About what?"

[Brent Swain]

A guy, walking home on a dark, moonless, foggy night, was stopped by a hooker, who said "$20 for a roll in the bushes?"
He said " That sounds cheap enough, lets do it."
A little while later, a cop came by, shone his light on them, and asked
" What are you doing in there?"
The guy said
"I am making love to my wife."
The cop said
"I'm sorry .I didn't know."
The guy said
"Neither did I, until you shone your light on her."

[Brent Swain]

An old couple had been very careful all their lives. They ate strictly organic food, and exercised regularly, keeping in top shape, and very healthy.
In their late 90s ,both were killed in a car crash.
When they got to the pearly gates, the old guy looked behind St Peter, and saw a beautiful 18 hole golf course. He asked
"What does it cost to golf there."
St Peter replied
" Nothing. You can golf here every day for eternity, and we supply the best of equipment ,all free. You are in paradise now !"
He asked
" What do you have to eat."
St Peter said
"We have hamburgers, steaks, cake, pastries, ice cream, you name it."
The old guy asked
"Wont that ruin your health?"
St Peter said
'No. Her you can eat whatever you want, as much as you want , for eternity, and you will stay in perfect health. You are in paradise now!"
The old guy turned to his wife and said
" If it wasn't for you and your damned bran flakes, we could have been here 30 years ago !"

[Brent Swain]

True story
A fat lady got stuck in a toilet. Her friends called 911, and gave her a cowboy hat to cover her modesty with .
When the paramedic walked in, she asked
" Mister can you help me?"
He looked at the fat lady with a cowboy hat in her lap, and replied
" Yes mam, I can help you , but the cowboy is a gonner!"

[Oldsquizzy]

Aha

[Oldsquizzy]

Dreaming girl, thrown, poured or crawled.......but walked .....nah

[haiqu]

So ... Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"

[Auzzee]

The following is a true story with no embellishments. It happened in Charleston, South Carolina, at a large, national coffee store chain, of which there are many here in the USA.

Me: Hi, I would like a large cup of coffee please.
Server: What size?
Me: Well… um… large.
Server: So..grande!
Me: Is that large?
Server now realises I am stupid and going for the visual clues, picks up a large paper cup which she displays for me along with the spoken word, “GRANDE”.
Me: Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty.
Server: Scuse me?
Me: Never mind. I’ll have one of those.
Server: What flavour?
Me: Um…do you have coffee?
Server: Yes (with a hint of exasperation), of course, but what flavour.
Me: Do you have coffee flavour?
Server: (With an almost imperceptible rolling of the eyes) Are you English?
Me: No, I am a thirsty Australian and I may well expire if I am not fed coffee very shortly.
Server: (And this is no bulls**t) “Okay, so…what flavour?
Me: (Now I am thinking of the Albatross sketch from Monty Python*) I know you are going to find this odd, but please may I have a coffee flavoured coffee, in a large cup.
Server: So grande...no flavour.......
Me: Si.
Server: Huh?
Me: Coffee flavoured coffee in a grande cup will be fine.
Server: (Brightly) Okay…what’s your first name?
Me: Dave.
Server: Dive?
Me: No…D-a-v-e…Dave (spoken with a fake American accent)
Server: You Australians are funny.

*Albatros bloody, bleeding, bloody flavour.

[Auzzee]

[delatbabel]

EVERY Limerick that has ever been written:

A person X from place B
Who satisfied predicate P
Took action A
In a particular way
Resulting in circumstance C