Humour

[delatbabel]

OK you started me on limericks. This is your fault.

There once was a poet from Ealing
Whose limericks were never appealing
The second last line
Would turn out just fine
But the last one always tended to be just a little bit of a disaster

[delatbabel]

There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks all stopped at line two

[delatbabel]

There was a young man from Verdun

[JohnT]

Auzzee, that must be another branch of a coffee emporium I went to in Miami a number of years ago - you know, the one that thinks they are stars with some venison thrown into the name. The server I spoke to had a strong Spanish accent.

Me: Hi, can I have a large mocca-Java.
Server: Wat dat?
Me: A large mocca-Java.
Server: Yeh, wat a mocca-Java?
Me: A type of coffee.
Server: Naa, we only serve foreign coffee.
Me: Okay, then just a filter coffee, large.
Server: Wat size?
Me: err, large.
Server: Nope, only have small, medium and grande.
Me: Make it a grande.
Server: We no do chocolate.
Me: What are you talking about - I don't want chocolate, just coffee.
Server: Then why you ask for chocolate?
Me: I haven't.
Server: Where you from.
Me: Africa
Server: You taking the piss out a me?
Me: Excuse me, what are you talking about?
Server: You talk s&@t - you ain't black.
Me: Nope, ain't black . . Now can I have my coffee?
Server: Piss off or I call the police.
Me: I think you had better call the manager.
Server: I is the manager!

Well, I "pissed off" and have never been back to one of those coffee emporiums again.

[Rover Crew]

Oh Auzzee and John T.. how I agree with your sentiments.
few years ago, my husband and I flew from our home in Spain back to UK. After delays and diversions we arrived at our destination airport, some 11+ hours later, - when the journey should have been around 2 to 2 and a half hours.. the car hire office was closed so we had to wait to pick up our car, and I went to that well known coffee house to order some coffee.
Like you I was challenged with a list of questions, and I tried very hard to patiently explain the problem, that I had been travelling an inordinate length of time, via all points European. I was cold, hungry, and very fed up and all I wanted was COFFEEEEEEEE.
None of which 'sunk in' and what I got was a question as to whether I wanted a 'festive' pattern on top of the "froth".. (it being Christmas)!!
It does make one wonder .. and yes, I have avoided the said ' coffee chain' ever since.
If either of you are ever on the Alicante coast, I'll be glad to make you a coffee... without questions !
fair winds..

[atheneoflymington]

OK, so let's raise the tone of this thread a little with a literary reference:

While walking to Henley on Arden
Young Shakespeare experienced a hard-on
His thoughts had just strayed
To the time he got laid
By the hedge in Anne Hathaway's garden

GORDON KNIGHT

[Brent Swain]

A native was paddling a preacher along the Amazon. The preacher was teaching him English.
He would point to a tree, and say "tree" and the native would do likewise. He pointed to the canoe and said "canoe", and the native did likewise. Rounding a bend, they saw a couple making love on the river bank.
The preacher turned beet red and stammered "Uh, uh, Man riding bicycle."
The native drew his bow and shot the guy dead , then turned to the preacher and said
"Man riding MY bicycle!"

[Brent Swain]

The Darwin Awards:

Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

The glorious winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its’ men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that
the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on his head, knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape . . .

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady
I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by
sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for . . . Police arrived at the scene to find
a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family . . .
unless, of course, one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend.
In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain so . . .

*** Remember . . . they walk among us, they can reproduce.

[Brent Swain]

Donald Trump ( the blond Idi Amin) came home to find his wife in bed with the plumber.
He said "What are you doing?"
She turned to the plumber , and said
"See, I told you he was stupid."

[gerald]

LOL..!! It was fun reading all of these.!!

[haiqu]

Something a bit more nautical:

[haiqu]

In case you ever wondered ...

[Brent Swain]

What do you want?

A perfect memory.

When do you want it?

Want what?