Humour

[Lighthouse]

Bar:

1. Hazard found at river mouths or harbour entrances.
   
   
2. Land based nesting and pre-mating natural habitat frequented by sailors when they force themselves to go ashore.

[Lighthouse]

The funniest thing I've seen all year - could very well be me.

[media]

[Auzzee]

A man and his wife, both retired, are talking about the future. The husband says, "If I die before you, I want you to either give away or sell all my stuff". "Why on earth should I do that"? Asks the wife.
Hubby replies, "Well if I die you will probably remarry and I don't want another wanker using all my stuff"!
To which the wife replies, "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker".

[delatbabel]

Man to his wife: "If I died before you, would you remarry?".
Wife: "Oh well I'd have to think about it but yes, I probably would."
Man: "Would you stay in this house?"
Wife: "Well, it's a nice house dear, I think I would"
Man: "Would you sleep in this bed?"
Wife: "I like the bed, it's comfortable, yes I think so"
Man: "Would you let him use my golf clubs?"
Wife: "Oh no, dear, I couldn't possibly do that!"
Man: "Why not? You'd sleep with him in our house, in our bed, why couldn't you let him use my golf clubs?"
Wife: "Because he's left handed, dear"

[Auzzee]

Then there was the homosexual who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty.


All his windows fell out!

[Auzzee]

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT



The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said:

'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like s**t.’

[JeanneP]

MARRIED 30 YEARS


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked
her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,

"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and
the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving
his testicles.

[haiqu]

[anilkumar]

A man dies.

In heaven he sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

He asks angel: "What are these for?"

Angel answer: "These are Lie Clocks, every person has lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves."

The man points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this?

Angel says: its Mother Teresa 's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The man asks: Where is Indian Politician's clock?
.
.
.
.
.
Angel replies: That's in our office... we use it as TABLE FAN!!

[anilkumar]

Originally Posted by delatbabel

Ah ... mathematics ... my old topic.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were driving through the countryside. They drove past a field full of cows.

"Hmmm", says the engineer. "All cows are brown".

"No", says the physicist, "all of the cows in this paddock are brown".

"No", says the mathematician. "One side of all of the cows in this paddock are brown".

Seriously mathematicians are nuts..they need everything practiccal and real facts...no assumed data..one of my friends is a mathematician and he always has answers this way only..he does calculations within seconds and he does all work based on calculations..bloody nerdy fellow..

[anilkumar]

Three things that even Microsoft can't explain!

MAGIC #1

An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable… At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!

MAGIC #3

Again this is something funny and can't be explained… At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!
It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself…
Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
And then press ENTER
And see the magic…..!

[Bigrock]

Originally Posted by haiqu

This is perfect

[steve_h]

Originally Posted by anilkumar

Three things that even Microsoft can't explain!

Could only get number 1 to work!

[anilkumar]

Originally Posted by steve_h

Could only get number 1 to work!

There are reasons behind every magic and so I post the magic which a software engineer explained me out here and it really worked for me..I hope it work for you too...


Explanations from Microsoft team!!!

MAGIC #1

An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable… At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER


---- CON is a shortcut for connection. Creating a new folder with same name causes system to confuse it with connection, hence the error. It has been rectified in Win7 and 8.

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!

---- It was a Easter egg. During 9/11 a lot of conspiracy theory came to light. Microsoft team added this as a funny prank. All coders do this kind of thing. Look for Konami code on Wikipedia, to understand more about this.

MAGIC #3

Again this is something funny and can't be explained… At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!
It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself…
Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
And then press ENTER
And see the magic…..!


---- Rand function is used by debugging team to create a wall of text. This was used to test the fonts and other rendering bugs. Someone forgot to comment out this function in final build. Later on, it is used by designers to test if their fonts are working fine. Game designers need special fonts, and hence this is the easiest test for them to try it out. In short, it is a feature now.

[delatbabel]

Actually, not quite correct.

#1 -- CON is short for CONsole, the device that is the screen and keyboard. On older computers that was a serial terminal. Guess what, Windows has a lot of old stuff in it because they keep patching it up from the DOS days. It hasn't been fixed in Windows 7.

#2 -- This is caused by the file system getting confused about the character set of files that contain certain patterns. It appears to the file manager that the file is UTF-16 and contains chinese characters. It has been fixed in Windows 7.

#3 -- This was originally a prank but has been left in for backwards compatibility. I am sure that many people at Microsoft, probably including Bill Gates, could answer all of these fairly simply.

[anilkumar]

Nice explanation..But these problems happened in many of the versions..I hope they are explained by you & many more people..

[anilkumar]

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

[rclark]

Originally Posted by Auzzee

A man and his wife, both retired, are talking about the future. The husband says, "If I die before you, I want you to either give away or sell all my stuff". "Why on earth should I do that"? Asks the wife.
Hubby replies, "Well if I die you will probably remarry and I don't want another wanker using all my stuff"!
To which the wife replies, "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker".

LOL. Marriage in a nutshell.

[anilkumar]

Originally Posted by sbenest

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

This was the funniest of all the jokes..

[anilkumar]

A Cuban, a Frenchman, an American, and an American lawyer are riding on a train. The Cuban begins praising one his nation's most famous products. "In Cuba", he says, "we make the world's finest cigars. Just smell this beautiful hand-rolled cigar. Furthermore, we make them in such abundance that we can waste them with impunity". Saying that, he tosses the cigar out the window of the speeding train.
The Frenchman responds, "Oui, that is quite true, and in my country we make the finest cheeses". He displays a hunk of fine cheese to the others and says, "France is famous for its fine cheeses, and we produce so much that we too can waste them without a thought." Saying that, he casts the cheese out the window of the train.
The American gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.