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Old 01-15-2008, 05:11 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,067

Imagine the scene aboard HMS Victory:-

Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir!'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of


Hardy: 'Sorry, sir?'

Nelson (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or

disability.' What heathen gobbledegook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,

lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free

working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

main-brace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full

speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest


Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What?'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and

they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up

there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even

to hear mention of such words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by

playing the disability card.'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and they fast-tracked you


Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the

crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing

in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men

to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid

lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

And furthermore according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even

be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for


Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life.'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy

and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'

Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'

Nelson: 'In that case...............................kiss me, Hardy.'

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Old 01-15-2008, 11:15 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,619

Great stuff.

Creasing myself at that

Yacht NAUSIKAA | Call Sign: 2AJH2



= Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Lithuania
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Old 01-15-2008, 03:58 PM   #3
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Posts: 1,215
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So true!
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