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Old 01-22-2010, 01:46 PM   #1
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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:18 PM   #2
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He-He!
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Old 01-22-2010, 07:45 PM   #3
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That's pretty good.... so I thought I'd add one I came across here recently...and if blonde jokes are apropos...if you think it not funny, don't shoot me! LOL....

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says the mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in here yes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

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Old 01-22-2010, 11:32 PM   #4
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1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in

psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.

It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:32 AM   #5
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Well if we're going to start non-PC we may as well stay non-PC.

3 expectant mothers sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's surgery, all waiting for their pregnancy check-ups. Each of them is knitting a little baby sweater.

The first mother takes a bottle of pills out of her handbag, and takes one. The others ask "what's that?". She replies "oh, it's iron, because I want my baby to grow up big and strong". The mothers go back to their knitting.

After a little while the second mother takes a bottle of pills out of her handbag and takes one. The others ask "what's that?". She replies "it's vitamin C, because I want my baby to be really healthy". The mothers go back to their knitting.

Eventually the third mother takes out a bottle of pills and takes one. "What's that?" ask the others. "Oh, it's thalidomide. I can't get the sleeves on this sweater to work".
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Old 01-23-2010, 12:20 PM   #6
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts ..... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! bulldust and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Old 01-23-2010, 10:42 PM   #7
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A Pirate walks into a bar...

with a peg leg, a patch over an eye, a parot on his shoulder, a hook for a hand... and a ship's wheel on his... uh... pants.

The Bartender says Wow! You have a ship's wheel on your pants!

And the Pirate replies Aaarrgh! And it's DRIVIN' ME NUTS!
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Old 01-24-2010, 07:50 AM   #8
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A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"

"Fifty cents!"
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Old 01-24-2010, 07:57 AM   #9
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There's this sailor with a pet parrot. But the parrot swears like an old sea captain. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself! Trouble is, the sailor who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the sailor grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the sailor locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches everything inside. Finally the sailor lets the it out. The bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran seaman blush. The sailor is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible racket from inside. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the sailor just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. He's opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

The parrot speaks again, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Old 01-24-2010, 08:49 PM   #10
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Seniors boating - don't laugh, you'll be there one day.

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Old 01-24-2010, 08:59 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lighthouse View Post
Seniors boating - don't laugh, you'll be there one day.
That's hysterical!! Have seen a couple of those in the past....but a few were new....

I remember stepping off the dock one night...a few years ago....and, ummm, missing.... Think it must have been the Sailor Jerry....LOL...
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:38 AM   #12
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says.. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:32 AM   #13
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When you reach his age there is only one he notices :-

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Old 01-25-2010, 05:43 PM   #14
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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
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